Funny Quotes & Hilarious Sayings

This article is dedicated to all those suffering people, who experience moody days. Guys, you are not alone! We are here to help you escape from the goddamn depression and get some inspiration from our great collection of the best funny quotes, that we could find on the Internet!

One can say that it is not enough, to read some motivational or positive ideas. We completely disagree with such a point of view! Just think: the statistics say that the motivational books are ones of the best-sellers on the market. Who buys them? Of course, those in need of the moral support. We were among such unfortunate dudes, who cried and complained that their lives are dull and full of stupid activities.

We have found quite a good remedy – the quotes from famous people! It can sound hilarious but imagine: in the modern world, where the time is the most expensive thing, we have no hours to spend on the reading of the motivational literature. To be honest, there are a lot of weak and empty thoughts in such books, and you can find inspiration even from one phrase. So we decided to make your life easier by collecting some of such humorous quotes here, on this page! Our list includes both, famous comedians’ and ordinary people’s sayings. Do not think that only celebrities are reliable persons – your neighbors can turn to keep amusing and hysterically cool speeches!

We are sure that these jokes, puns and other lovable stuff will come in handy for everyone. Even if you are an accidental visitor and do not need to be cheered up, just read these amazing quotes and have a good day!

Funny Positive Quotes for Every Day

This page represents the funniest quotes for every day of your life. We offer you to join our laughing community and share these cool sayings with your dearest persons! Make their day brighter!

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Funniest Quotes to Cheer Up Friends

Is your friend in a bad mood? Does he refuse to go for a walk, to play video games and even to talk? The Internet makes the communication much easier! You can send one of these funniest ever quotes to cheer him up!

  • “Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” Comedian Adam Gropman
  • “We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.” Paula Poundstone
  • “Never steal. The government hates competition.”
  • “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” Margaret Mead
  • “Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?”
  • “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” Abraham Lincoln
  • “If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”
  • “I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’”
  • “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” Jim Carrey
  • “Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
  • “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.” Jerry Seinfeld

Famous People’s Funny Quotes

If you do not trust that we have a good sense of humor – then trust the experts of this field, to the famous people. They tend to be witty minds today, as the biggest fame follows the peppered tongue. Check some of their quotes here!

  • “General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?” Jay Leno
  • “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” Elbert Hubbard
  • “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol (Josh Hara)
  • “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” Reba McEntire
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” Albert Einstein
  • “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” Gore Vidal
  • “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” Winston Churchill
  • “The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.” Businessman Stanley Randall
  • “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.” Winston Churchill
  • “Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.” Steve Martin

Best Funny Quotes About Life

Life can be difficult and even exhausting. However, there is a powerful remedy against all the troubles that we can meet every day – positive attitude to everything. Our funny quotes are the best things to remind you how easy life can be if you smile and laugh.

  • “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin
  • “They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.”
  • “If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.” Albert Einstein
  • “At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?” Zach Galifianakis
  • “As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”
  • “There’s no “I” in denial.” Peter Serafinowicz
  • “If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?” Jon Stewart
  • “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” Chris Rock
  • “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.”
  • “Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.”

Greatest Funny Quotes to Laugh at

Need an immediate portion of laugh and do not know where to get it? Our super page is here to save your mood! Here are the greatest funny quotes that we could find on the Internet to keep your mood at a high level.

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Short but Hysterically Cool Quotes

We are living for these short quotes that make us laugh at the hysterical level! Just read them, come on, join our laughing party!

  • “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?”
  • “What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?” Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.”
  • “Never have more children than you have car windows.” Erma Bombeck
  • “DON’T HIT KIDS!!! No, seriously, they have guns now.”
  • “The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • “If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
  • “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
  • “A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.”
  • “Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.”

Funny and Inspirational Quotations

Laugh is one of the most inspirational things in the world but it should be really cool to work on raising one’s mood. Here are some examples of truly motivational quotations for you to understand what a good humor is.

  • “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” Erma Bombeck
  • “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” Frank Sinatra
  • “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
  • “Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.” Erma Bombeck
  • “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.”
  • “Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.”
  • “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams
  • “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” Mae West
  • “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” Albert Einstein
  • “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

Hilarious Amusing Quotes to Send to a Relative

If your relative experience a hard time, he or she needs a bit of fun. Believe us, our jokes will make your dearest person dance and laugh simultaneously!

  • “Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together?”
  • “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.” Erma Bombeck
  • “When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31.”
  • “I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!”
  • “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” Rodney Dangerfield
  • “I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.” Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” Lana Turner
  • “I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.”
  • “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Erma Bombeck
  • “Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.”

Wonderfully Funny Quotes and Sayings

You can take these quotes. Yes, you can. Posts them on your twitter, blogs, Facebook pages – post them everywhere and show the world that you have a good taste in humor!

“Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself.” Christina Grimmie

  • “At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.”
  • “Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.”
  • “All guys hate the words DON’T and STOP unless they’re put together.”
  • “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” Buddy Hackett
  • “I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.” Will Rogers
  • “Save paper, don’t do homework.”
  • “Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.”
  • “My life needs editing.” Mort Sahl
  • “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Motivational Quotes to Keep a Good Mood

Stay on our side, dude! Be careful with the things you joke at, because you can make a person depressed, instead of making motivated. Here are some perfect examples of funny encouraging to keep a proper mood.

  • “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Bernard M. Baruch
  • “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper
  • “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” Isaac Asimov
  • “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” Fred Allen
  • “The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.” Al Gore
  • “Do not drink and drive or you might spill the drink.”
  • “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.”
  • “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde
  • “I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.”
  • “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns

Killingly Good Humorous Quotes

Guys, we were killed. We laughed out loud and could not stop! There is too much fun for today, honestly. But we hope that you are still full of energy and ready to this humorous round!

Killingly Good Humorous Quotes

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Perfect Funny Lines to Get Rid of Depression

Depression is a plague of the 21st century. There are so many ways to get rid of this, but we suppose that the most correct and easy way is fun! Send these funny lines to all the depressed persons, who you know, and be sure that this awful disease will leave them with their happiness.

  • “We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to s**t. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?!” Chris Rock
  • “Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.”
  • “White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says “gun”? Congressional hearing.” Chris Rock
  • “Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey. It always gets laughs!”
  • “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” Ellen DeGeneres
  • “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” Oliver Herford
  • “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” Mark Twain
  • “Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.” Johnny Carson
  • “A vegetarian is a person who won’t eat anything that can have children.” David Brenner
  • “Dear Santa, this year I’d like a fat bank account, and a thin body… please don’t confuse the two like you did last time.”

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